What The Water Gave Me
by Omoni
Summary: What happens if someone who has no will to live is given one? Alphys asks herself the exact same question before she tries to give herself one, herself. Spoilers for the end of the True Pacifist ending, takes place before Frisk falls to the Underground. Fic title is from the song "What The Water Gave Me" by Florence The Machine.


Determination. It's what makes humans what we are. It's what helps us dictate our own lives, decides for us what is important and what needs to be discarded in order to keep going. We all take it for granted.

But what about those born never knowing it, never understanding it?

Humans define determination as something conclusive that's been discovered, of having the will to persist and discovering that end regardless of the means, to persist in the face of something that seems impossible.

Monsters thought of it as something both similar and different to that description. For them, it was an emotion they could never truly know or understand, as for them, they were never born with it. They saw it as the almost-divine driving source that only humans had, which was why they always won - and always would.

Well, except perhaps human children. The children of humans had determination, but had not yet developed it enough to be complete. But when it came down to it, only child determination - DT - could be accessed. No adult was foolish enough - or adventurous enough - to fall down into the Underground.

Alphys, the Royal Scientist to King Asgore, had spent years using human DT extracted from human children on dying, comatose monsters, in hopes that DT would give them a will to live again. She was so sure it would be something good, something wonderful, that would come with monsters being determined, that it would have to do something to the barrier.

But instead, she'd ruined families and lives, and only made mistakes that were determined to live, not actual monsters. At least, that was how she thought of them at the beginning. She did grow to get to know them, even in their amalgamated states, so she didn't think they were all hopeless, but...

 _What was it like?_ she wondered. _What was it like to suddenly be given a will to live on while being so close to death, only to awaken to a nightmare?_

 _What kind of scientist am I? I did this to so many people, people I know and adore and only wanted to help, who trusted me to make things right - and instead I destroy their lives, their families lives._

 _What kind of scientist am I, if I'm willing to subject others to DT without even starting with myself, sick or not?_

It was why she was now in her fake lab, sitting at her work table, her arm bared and clean and the needle of a syringe already beneath the skin. She was shaking, but her eyes blazed.

 _If I'm willing to subject innocent monsters to this, then why should I consider myself above them, when I'm nothing above anyone, when I'm the lowest of all?_

With a gritting of her teeth, she shut her eyes and pushed the plunger down. It burned, all the way up her arm. She ground her teeth together so hard her jaw hurt, her hands starting to shake. It burnt all the way through to her chest, and she dropped the syringe without control. She felt her body go limp, and she tried to grab at the desk, hoping to stay upright but failing. She dropped and landed, hard, on the ground with a small, panicked cry.

Alphys landed on her side, her body so hot it brought tears to her eyes, and she closed them again, concentrating on breathing, on continuing to breathe. She knew, somehow, that if she stopped, she'd be dust. She also knew that she'd made a huge mistake, not only by doing this at all, but by doing it alone. She hadn't even told Asgore what she was planning to do - a huge oversight.

With her eyes squeezed shut, her legs still tangled in her work chair, she held her hands to her chest, digging her claws in, and concentrated on breathing.

She truly hoped someone would find her in time, but then, she knew better. If anyone found her, she'd already be dust.

Maybe it was what she deserved.

* * *

"Alphys?"

Undyne walked slowly into the lab, confused. The place was quiet, which worried her. She hadn't heard from Alphys all day, and had plans with her to go rummage through the dump again today. But her texts and phone calls had gone unanswered, and it had her coming here, scared - though why, she didn't know.

She looked around, seeing the myriad camera feeds displaying various parts of the Underground on the main monitor. There was a half-eaten cup of ramen left beside the computer, stacks of notes in hurried chickenscratch littered everywhere. It was as if Alphys had gotten up in mid-project and forgotten about it.

"Alphys, where are you?" Undyne called, peering up the steps. With a shrug, she went up them. "I brought a bigger bag, so-,"

She stopped where the steps left her, her gut turning to ice. Alphys was at her desk, half on the floor, a broken syringe beside her. She looked unconscious and was unmoving. "Alphys?" Undyne dropped the bag and pulled her free from the chair, grabbing onto her and shaking her. "Alphys?" she called, seeing that her friend's face was clearly in pain, her glasses askew on her face. "Alphys! _Hey!"_

Someone was shaking her. Alphys felt it from far away, as if watching it on a security monitor. She focussed on it, and suddenly she heard a voice. "Get up, Alphys! _Get up!"_ She struggled to recognise that voice, remembering only fire in her blood that still burned, and counting her breaths or else she'd die. She'd gotten past five hundred...

Trembling by now in fear, Undyne grabbed her phone and called the hospital. "I'm in Hotland," she blurted out the moment someone answered. "I need help. I need help _now!_ Send someone!"

Undyne's breath suddenly caught. The entire time, Alphys breathed quickly, with the urgency of someone desperate for air. Suddenly, out of nowhere, it stopped, and she went limp in Undyne's arms.

 _"No!"_ she shouted, almost dropping her phone, hearing someone talk but nor hearing it. "Breathe! Damn you, Alphys, _breathe!"_

Alphys heard this, confused. She thought she had been. So she tried again. As she did, the fire eased a little, and she could feel some of her senses return, though she still felt hot and burning and unable to move, as though trapped in an oven.

Undyne bit her lip, trying not to cry. She didn't cry easy, but this was a situation she couldn't control her emotions over. Maybe if it had been anyone else... "Good," she whispered. "Good, _oh thank god, please,_ keep breathing." She held the phone back up to her ear, and the person asked tersely, "She's breathing now?" Undyne confirmed it.

The voice was so familiar to Alphys, almost painfully so. As she focussed on it, she found that something about it made her heart race and her breathing go funny, but the usual excitement she knew she should be feeling was deeply marred.

"Keep breathing, do you hear me?" Undyne commanded. When Alphys kept breathing, she nodded. "Good." She paused, then spoke into the phone. "What... what do I do now?" She listened, then lowered the phone and leaned closer to Alphys, asking gently, _"Can_ you hear me, Alphys?"

Alphys tried to nod, but couldn't tell if she was doing it. She tried to talk, but no sound came out. She tried to do anything - move a hand, wrinkle her nose, move a foot, anything - but only managed to open her eyes. She blinked quickly, and Undyne saw it, her heart racing in hope. "She blinked! She can hear me!" She almost shouted it into the phone, she was so happy. Alphys tried to get her eyes to focus as Undyne listened to the phone again. Then, "Can you talk, Alphys?"

She tried, but all that happened was that her throat burned and she had to gasp for the next breath. "Okay, it's okay," Undyne said gently. "Don't force it." She listened, then got frustrated. "She can't talk. Can you send someone now, please?!"

 _That_ was when Alphys recognised the voice, and she felt a different kind of fire go through her. Undyne. It was Undyne who was speaking to her, about her. Undyne had found her. Alphys hadn't expected _anyone_ to find her, least of all Undyne.

Undyne suddenly realised Alphys's breath was getting strange again. It wasn't Alphys's fault; the shock of being found, while still feeling like she was on fire, was too much, and she could feel herself - or some kind of simulacrum of it - falling, and falling fast. She tried to focus on Undyne, but could only focus on - nothing. Nothing at all.

"Wait," Undyne said into the phone, her voice wavering. "Something's not-," She dropped her phone, grabbing Alphys into her arms and shaking her. Alphys's eyes were open, but their colour was blank, dark - too dark. _"No!"_ she screamed it, shaking Alphys again. _"No!_ Come back! Alphy! Not yet! _Please!"_ Her voice broke. "Not _ever,_ Alphy, _not ever!"_

But Alphys was lost to that curtain of black that had fallen over her. The sound of... something... pulsed in her ears, and it was all she could hear, the sound getting louder and louder, even as it became slower and slower. If she focussed on it instead of Undyne, it grew worse, and seemed to take over all of her senses.

 _Undyne..._

The whole point... wasn't _she_ the whole reason why you did this?

 _The main reason, yes, but... what have I done?_

You can't go back. You might as well go forward, or die.

 _What have I_ done?!

You can't go back. So breathe, and keep going forward. Or you die.

 _Go forward?_

Be determined. Breathe.

 _Breathe? I stopped?_

Yes. Start counting again. Now.

 _One..._

She breathed in slowly, then exhaled. Things seemed to get better, somehow, less black and more grey. She kept at it, and soon, that horrible sound eased, calmed down, and was soon replace by a voice she clung to, despite herself.

Undyne was panicking, screaming into the phone for someone to please get to the Lab and help her, shaking Alphys with tears running down her face. When she heard Alphys start breathing again, she sobbed out, "Thank you, Alphy, _thank you!_ Keep breathing, _please!"_

 _Ten... Wait, what did she call me...?_

"Send someone!" Undyne shouted again. "Send someone _now!"_

She was cut off. "We have someone on the way. Please calm down."

"No, _you_ calm down! You're not here! You don't know!"

"Calm down."

"I _am_ calm!"

 _Fifteen..._

Undyne gritted her teeth, her free hand absently rubbing Alphys's shoulder. The gesture was so simple, but it anchored Alphys, actually able to feel that touch through those waves of fire. "Okay. Thank you. Also? _Fuck you!"_ She hung up, tossed the phone aside, and gathered Alphys closer, her now-free hand going to Alphys's cheek gently. The touch was so cool and comforting that Alphys sighed.

"Alphy," Undyne whispered. "Can you hear me? Help is on the way."

Alphys tried to open her eyes, but it was taking all of her concentration to keep counting her breaths. She _had_ to be hallucinating, she _had_ to be. There was no way Undyne was there, beside her, calling her by that name that she only heard her say in her fantasies...

"I hope you can hear me," Undyne admitted softly, her eye now on the shattered syringe. "Because I know what you did, Alphy. And I have to ask: _what the hell were you thinking?!"_

Alphys tried to speak, now. She was desperate to. How could she explain it? It _was_ obvious what she had done.

But that was when she suddenly felt the fire focus on one part of her body and it _hurt._ Her eyes snapped open, her claws going to her chest, and she screamed out, the sound ending in a hoarse cough. Undyne held her tight, panic again flooding through her, but it was over as soon as it began - and Alphys passed out from it.

Undyne held her close, making sure Alphys kept breathing, though now it was, she heard, sporadic, and her hands were clutched at her chest, so hard her clothes bunched up, and she whimpered each time her body jolted from pain.

Undyne kept her close until help arrived.

* * *

Undyne knew what had happened, but not for the reasons that Alphys assumed she did. If Alphys had known, it likely would never have happened.

 _Or would it?_ Undyne wondered now, waiting in the almost-empty waiting room of the hospital, wondering this for the thirteenth time. _I thought I knew Alphys better than most, but if she did this... Why would she do it?_

Undyne knew why she did it, after all.

* * *

It was before Alphys was Royal Scientist, but after Undyne had become the Royal Guard Captain. She'd been drilling her usual group of idiots into decent soldiers, and when it ended, was surprised to find Asgore waiting for her.

"Heya!" she greeted him cheerfully, gratefully accepting the bottle of water he offered her. "Coming by for some tea tonight? I promise, no hot chocolate!"

Asgore shook his head. "Not today, I fear. I have another project for today, one I think you'll be interested in."

"Oh?" Undyne looked over at him with a grin, handing back the mostly-empty bottle. "Like what?"

* * *

Undyne sat down in one of the infirmary cots at the castle, confused. She'd had to take her armour off and now only wore her civvies, waiting. Asgore was in the other room, talking to the current Royal Scientist (whose days were numbered), though about what, she had no clue. All she'd been told was that Asgore and the Scientist had been researching human souls, and that as a result, had found a key ingredient that could be helpful when it came to the barrier - as well as personal strength and courage. Of course Undyne wanted in; she never shied away from things like this, especially if it meant being not only stronger, but first to do so.

So when Asgore, of all people, walked in with a syringe of what looked like green liquid, Undyne felt a stab of fear, but instead focussed on Asgore instead, who looked at her kindly.

"I would never do this to anyone if I thought it would be dangerous. If it were, I would do it on myself," he said as he walked to her side. She looked up at him, nodding. "I would if I could, Undyne, but right now, you're the ultimate candidate for it." For a moment, he held the syringe, looking at it, before setting it aside to clean part of Undyne's upper arm. "This is called..." He paused. "My Scientist calls it 'inspiration'."

"What does it do?" she wondered, her eyes now on that green substance.

"It makes you stronger, and it makes you want to live longer," Asgore explained, looking right into her eyes as he spoke, forcing her to look back at him. "But there are risks, Undyne. I only want what's best for you, and I would never-,"

"Asgore, I know," she interrupted with a smile, touching his arm gently. "I've already said yes. Let's do this!"

* * *

At first, she felt fine. It felt no worse than getting a vaccine. She blinked, shrugged, then started to get to her feet, saying, "That was easy. Why were you so worried As... gore...?"

That was when it went wrong.

Asgore grabbed her the moment her legs gave out. She felt hot, not the good hot, as if she'd swallowed a cup of fire and it was going through her blood. She gasped, searing pain going to her left eye, and she placed her hand over it, crying out. It hurt, so much, as if it was being ripped out of her head.

She then felt it beneath her hand - blood. And shortly after, she felt a scorching pain hit her right in her left eye - and she screamed. She felt Asgore grab onto her and lead her back to the cot, even as she struggled to get free, as if she could run away from the pain.

When she felt her eye burst beneath her palm, she passed out.

* * *

When she woke up, she felt strange. She felt oddly strong, but also very weak. When she tried to open her eyes, only one would obey her. She was confused for a moment, then suddenly remembered, her eye going wide with tears. She held her hand to her head, and where her left eye used to be was only bandages. When she whimpered, starting to shake, Asgore burst into the room, going to her side immediately.

"Undyne," he said immediately. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I didn't. If I did, I never would have let you..." His voice broke, and he grabbed her hand. "But it worked. You... you lost your eye, but it worked. Your vitals are incredible."

Undyne glared at him, grating out through her tears and pain, "Does that make it balance out?" she snarled.

"It might," he admitted. "Some day."

* * *

Undyne held her hand over her eye when she was freed from that bittersweet memory. The eyepatch was now second-nature, and she'd grown so used to it that she couldn't imagine herself without it.

 _But Alphys... what will happen to Alphys? What will she lose?_

* * *

It turned out Alphys wouldn't lose anything, but gain instead.

It was when she woke up in some place alien, feeling hooked up to dozens of things that both hurt and helped. She felt strange, almost angry, but at who or what, she had no inkling. She barely remembered anything prior to this moment, so she lay there and tried to remember. She couldn't open her eyes yet, but she knew they still worked, at least.

 _What's happened?_

She felt so warm, so content, it was very strange, despite knowing that wherever she was wasn't home.

She heard the door open, wherever that was, and felt someone touch her wrist, then her forehead. She tried to speak, but only got out, "guh," which made her blush. It also seemed to insult the person in the room, because they left as soon as she said it.

Then the door opened and closed again, and she listened - only to be pulled into a hard, bone-jarring hug. Alphys froze, confused and a little scared, not used to physical contact like this, especially of affection. However, it was soon supplemented with, _"Alphy..."_ in a broken voice, and she grabbed hold, her heart racing. With that one word, everything came back.

"Un...Undyne?" she whispered, digging her claws in. She'd never felt this way before, so open to a hug, so uncaring of the circumstances leading to that hug. All she cared about was that she was hugging onto the woman she was in love with, who had saved her life when no one else could... or perhaps would.

"Shh, shh," Undyne whispered, rocking her gently, her heart hurting. Alphys was so pale and looked as if she was barely holding on, her eyes closed and her body shaking so hard. But she clung onto Undyne with a strength she'd never felt her have before. "Doctor says you're okay. You're gonna be fine. They think it was a heart attack, Alphy."

Alphys snorted out a laugh, unable to help it. Of course they would. Her symptoms likely matched one, after all, and her eating habits and lack of exercise were quite obvious.

Undyne began to pull away, but Alphys pulled her back, surprising them both. Alphys buried her face into Undyne's shoulder, and Undyne felt her heart skip, her eye wide and her mouth pressed closed, her face red.

"D-don't go," Alphys whispered.

"I won't," Undyne promised.

For a moment, they remained that way, Undyne holding Alphys to her with her cheek resting atop Alphys's head, Alphys curled up against her, her eyes still closed. If everything changed after this, at least Alphys would have this.

"I _wasn't_ th-thinking," Alphys admitted finally.

Undyne opened her eye and looked down at Alphys, whose eyes were still closed. She looked as though she were in a dream she loved, and not in a hospital bed. Undyne wondered if Alphys knew that she not only looked this way, but that she, Undyne, felt the same way.

"I-I..." Alphys bit her lip, then blurted it out. "I was thinking, yes. But not well. I'm the R-Royal Sci-Scientist. I-I've done terrible things, Undyne." To her shame, tears burnt her eyes, and she cried, the tears rolling down her cheeks. "H-horrible things. I-I thought it the r-right thing to do would be t-to... subject myself to the s-same."

It was odd. Confessing, finally, to someone didn't hurt as much as she'd feared. It hurt like hell, but not to the point of wanting to hurt herself over it, which was new. Also, confessing to Undyne, of all people, didn't leave her as ashamed as she'd feared. Instead, she felt calm. Maybe it wasn't so surprising; Undyne was a close friend as well as someone she loved. But Asgore was, too, and she couldn't stand the thought of telling him...

Undyne's whole body went rigid when she heard Alphys explain all of this to her. She wondered why. She should have guessed that, even after her own failure, there would still be research in _that_ _._ But... Alphys having to do it? Not only to others, apparently, but herself? For a moment, Undyne almost hated Asgore. Almost.

It was then that, in response to Undyne's silence, Alphys opened her eyes. Though her vision was blurry, everything seemed rather bright. When she looked up at Undyne, even she, herself, seemed bright, which was a wonderful sight to see. Her hand, shaking, reached up, and Undyne took it, staring back at Alphys in surprise.

To Undyne, Alphys's eyes were... happy. When they landed on Undyne, they softened, and when she reached up, Undyne reacted without a second thought, holding that trembling hand tight.

"Undyne," Alphys whispered, her eyes closing for longer than a blink. "Can... c-can you ever forgive m-me?"

Undyne stared at her, confused. Alphys looked at her desperately, her hand clenching onto hers so tight it shook them both. "Forgive you for what?" she asked.

"F-for... f-for..." Her eyes closed again; she felt so tired all of a sudden, as if opening her eyes had taken all of her strength. _"Ugh..."_

"Do you need-?" Undyne started to get up, but Alphys clung tighter, and she stopped.

"F-for doing this..." Alphys concluded, her eyes closed completely now, relaxing in Undyne's arms. "H-hurting myself... en-endangering myself..."

"Yes," Undyne agreed without hesitation. It was true, after all.

Alphys smiled, then. It was a small, tired smile, but it sent a shiver up and down Undyne's spine and her heart racing. With a start, she realised what it meant - and felt a fool for being so blind to her own emotions.

"Th-thank you," Alphys whispered, already half-asleep by now. "Y-you're a w-wonderful friend... m-my b-best..."

Before Undyne could even dream of replying, Alphys was asleep in her arms. A dream scenario, to be sure, one Undyne refused to let slip through her fingers. She held Alphys close, shutting her eye and whispering, "You're my best, too, Alphy."

* * *

Asgore came by later, when Undyne was at home resting. Alphys was awake and eating, and she smiled brightly when she saw him - so brightly that he paused in the doorway in his surprise. He was expecting a despondent, hopeless scientist, like he had the day he met her.

"King Asgore!" she greeted, as he sat down next to her on the chair offered for that reason. "I'm so sorry you had to come here."

"What happened, Dr Alphys?" he asked her, seeing something... odd... in her eyes, something new.

She hesitated, shoving a bland spoonful of food into her mouth to give herself time to think of an answer. She couldn't tell him the truth. There was no way. She knew if she did, she'd likely be fired, which was the last thing she ever wanted. She still had so much more to do - especially now. "Th-there was an... accident i-in my r-research," she partially lied.

"Is everything okay?" Asgore wondered gently.

Alphys nodded. "E-everything is f-fine," she agreed, meaning it.

* * *

When the barrier broke, and they all watched the sun set together, Undyne mostly watched Alphys. The secret of her DT research was now out, but she didn't look bogged down by it. If anything, she looked relieved, despite losing her job, her livelihood. Granted, Undyne had lost hers, too, and found the prospect of the new world worth it, but she'd never imagined Alphys feeling the same way, too.

Carefully, she reached down and took Alphys's hand into hers. Alphys froze, her eyes going wide, and she looked down at their hands; Alphys had entwined her fingers with Undyne's without a second thought. She looked up at Undyne, who was smiling brightly, her eye a crescent. Wordlessly, Alphys squeezed her hand, and Undyne squeezed back.

* * *

Alphys never told anyone else about what she had done to herself, but anyone who knew her could see a change. Undyne, especially. With the barrier gone, Undyne found herself closer to Alphys, finding some excuse to visit her surface apartment that she had gotten once Toriel gave her a teaching job. Every time, Alphys looked thrilled - because she was. A visit with Undyne was like the best kind of dessert for her, especially since Undyne came all on her own, and not out of pity.

When, once, Undyne kissed her on the cheek, Alphys actually blacked out from it. They'd been at the beach, Alphys attached to her phone, and Undyne just kissed her, then laughed so happily she caused property damage.

From there, it wasn't long before they began to date, Alphys feeling so warm and happy she was often scared that she was dreaming.

The first time they kissed for real, Alphys felt so thrilled that she clung to Undyne, returning the kiss as much as she dared to. Undyne, expecting someone shy, was the one who felt shy - but not for too long. That kiss, their first, would always feel like their best kiss, no matter how many years passed.

Undyne said, when they'd pulled apart, "Okay. I can't hold it in anymore, Alphy."

 _Now_ Alphys blushed. "I-I..." she stammered, but Undyne touched a finger to her lips.

"I love you, Alphy," she said softly, her voice wavering.

Alphys bit her lip, her eyes filling. She nodded, grabbing hold of Undyne's hands tight. "Me too," she blurted, "with you."

And that's when it finally came to Undyne what it was that Alphys gained and not lost with her injection of DT.

 _"It makes you stronger, and it makes you want to live longer,"_ Asgore had said.

 _What happens if those without the will to live are given one?_

Undyne stared into Alphys's beautiful eyes, tearing up. She knew the answer, now. Looking back at Undyne, Alphys suddenly realised that she did, too, and with a cry, she clung onto Undyne tight, who did the same.

 _It gives them the will to live._

 **THE END**


End file.
